Today was a good day. It involved setting up a Christmas tree, a FaceTime date with Andy, buttered pasta with Parmesan, a chat with Dad, getting mail, a Christmas movie (or two) and laundry. Not in that order, of course. But it still felt pretty darn productive.
If there’s one thing I can say, is that today’s walk just about did me in. It was hard. I walked slow, and had to catch my breath on the neighborhood inclines. So incredibly different from where I was 2 months ago – backpacking, running, going to the gym, holding a 32-minute plank (yes, that actually happened). I know my body has been through a lot – and I recognize that so much has changed. And I don’t really care about the lost fitness or strength, I know that will return.
But there’s also a part of me that is afraid. I’m afraid that I won’t be as strong, or that it’s going to be really really tough getting back to my “normal” self. For the past 25 years when I’ve been athletic, I’ve also dealt with sinus infections and pneumonias, and later lots of lung issues and fatigue stemming from my GATA2 – but I’ve always ALWAYS fought my way back, pressed on regardless because gosh darn it, that’s who I am. I know the work and effort it takes to comeback after illness, because I’ve lived it most of my life.
But today I was just tired. I think that’s normal, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
So I’m trying to give myself some compassion and self-love. My body is building an entire new immune system, it’s been through a lot of fucking trauma in the past 6 weeks. The chemo alone has left me wiped, not to mention low counts and all the medications that I’m on. I need to remind myself that I’m at the start of my outpatient journey- and still pretty vulnerable.
And that this is OK. I’m OK – and that as long as I do the things my doctors want, it’s going to be alright. That fire in my belly is still there – just like the rest of my body, it’s slowly stirring itself awake. To be continued…
Later on Mom and I set up the tree and enjoyed Elf and Bad Moms Christmas. It was awesome, especially with the tree up and my buttered noodles. The first ornament was a picture of me & Andy, the second was Santa. We’re in good company.
Tomorrow I’m back in the Clinical Center for half the day, and we’ll get an update on bloodwork and counts! For now, goodnight!